I Love Dad

So, something just happened, earlier this evening, maybe only some 20 minutes ago, that ended up really, really hurting me. On the surface it didn’t seem like anything big or huge at all.. and I know that the person doing it most definitely thought that what they were doing was nice and kind and good.. Basically, what happened was that me and my 8-year-old son were leaving Walmart just now, and as we were leaving the greeter person at the door handed me this coloring page, a page that I was supposed to give to my son. The moment that I saw what was on it, my immediate reaction was actually to hide it from my son, and I ended up quickly folding the paper in half, then folded it again and ended up crumpling it up and quickly hiding it among the things we bought. Then I felt relieved that my son didn’t seem to notice or care what was on that piece of paper, even though for me I ended up having to do a bunch of breathing exercises on the way home and fidget a ton with one of my fidget toys to try to calm myself down because of how much pain that single piece of paper ended up causing me. It was a coloring page with a single figure in the middle and the words ‘I love dad’ in the center (I think those were the words). My son has never met his biological dad. You know, it’s funny that I’ve been hearing about Father’s Day approaching here and there, from the radio and other people, seeing signs in stores, etc., but up until that one single, seemingly completely insignificant moment, it didn’t really seem to matter to me that much at all, or felt like it affected me. I’ve also celebrated plenty of other Dad’s Days in the past where we just celebrate my father and my brother as a father.. So why did that one single coloring sheet of paper cause me so much pain in that moment? Why did I want to hide it from my son? I don’t know.. I think maybe because it was a reminder that my son doesn’t actually have a father? Not one that has ever been present in his life anyways. I am extremely grateful for my son, extremely - he is literally the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I wouldn’t trade him for anything, nothing. But in the past Lukas has asked me about his father. He’s asked to see his pictures and stuff, and I share with him what I can. I don’t hide things from him. Having said that, I guess because the father has never been in Lukas’ life, he doesn’t really think about him much at all. Maybe the pain that I felt because of that coloring page is because it would have made us, especially my son, feel kinda left out? That we’re different, that we’re not a ‘complete’ family unit by normal standards? I don’t know.. But I think that we’re fine and we’re happy. We have Oliver, our cat. Lukas and I are happy, actually very, very happy together, even without a father figure in my son’s life. We do the best we can. One thought that comforts me is that I’d rather that our life stays exactly as is instead of me being with someone who was abusive or hurtful to my son. I’d rather that he and I struggled alone (with my parents’ and brother’s help) than exist in fear.

I guess i just wanted to share what happened to me just a little while ago, in case there are other single moms out there feeling similar feelings as the Father’s Day approaches.